im so damn upset. although i've expected it coming. im lost. i dont know where to go and what to do. i thought i was able to accept the fact. i was laughing it off with my parents before showering.
but i guess i couldn't take it in my heart. and i clearly know it. why do i have to pretend?
i had to cry it out during shower. and i guess i had to let my parents know whats troubling me.

its been long since i've told them my problems cause i never seemed to have one that needed their advice. now i need them. so long since the whole family sat down and listen to each other's problems. i couldnt even start talking about it and tears had to roll down.

tons of advices and words of console really made me tear to the extreme. i felt so ashamed of myself for thinking that way. i hate my personality for being this way. why do i have to mind what others think and say. i felt guilty seeing mummy willing to sacrifice herself for my future. it really hurts me deep down in my heart. i really had to wake myself up and stop being childish. i should be proud of what im doing. i should not compare with the others. dad's right about how people fail when they compare.

as much as i hated my elder brother and that we never had a good sentence with each other... today he showed his concern for me over this issue and this made me cry even more. as for my younger brother, he's not at the age where he understands all these but his "zeh... dont cry.." really really made me feel so fucking guilty for what i've thought. not only that, even kimkim knows how i felt, she was snuggling on me while i was crying.

daddy and mummy's advices are opposite. daddy's speaking from experience while mummy is sacrificing herself so as i can benefit and be the same as the others.

after all these, i tried to understand and go along. daddy's right... im still young. plus who knows what will happen next. i choose to believe them and stop myself from those childish thoughts. i have to learn to ignore the view of the others. as long as im clear of conscience and im filial, thats enough.

tonight, a lesson learnt that no matter what happens, your family is always by your side. everyone else may come and go throughout your life but family will always be there. whether you're right or you're wrong, they guide you and support you.

i guess i've lost the initial mindset and im ready for the new challenge ahead of me in the future.

thank you daddy, mummy, kor, derrick and of course dearest cheryl for being so supportive.
I'LL BE STRONG (: